Nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

I’ve been struggling a little recently. Well, maybe for about 6 months. I have some questions that there don’t seem to be answers for. It’s bothering me because I want to know what’s going to happen. Not tomorrow but, you know, in the end.

I’m a goal setter. I know how to set goals and I know how to break them down and achieve them. I know that if you set the goal and then break it down into yearly, monthly, weekly and daily goals and tasks that generally you will be able to get to your goal successfully. I’m also very good at working on my own. I generally don’t rely on others when I am setting goals. I set them for myself and work the steps myself.

I had a thought today. When we read the scriptures and we see the miracles that happen, Alma, Lazarus, the woman with the issue of blood, we often look at the healing, the end result, the finale and ask why not me. We wonder why we don’t have the miracle. but we forget to look at the waiting that came before. The sorrow and worry and prayer and heartache. How long did those things take. The blind man didn’t go blind one minute and then get his site back the next. Lazarus had been dead for 3 days. Considering what they said his body had begun to break down before Jesus arrived. Alma the Younger was causing trouble for years before he saw the angel that changed his direction.

I think about Job sometimes. The book of Job is short but a lot of tragedy happens. I often wonder how long the story of Job really is. Was it one year? 5 years? 35 years? I could do one year I think. Maybe 5 years. But 35 years of ongoing hardship? hm. Could I? But Job never lost his faith in God. no matter what.

So maybe the goal setting is good but in conjunction with the goals I need patience. I hate that but I know it’s true. Also, faith. I need an increase in faith that in the end everything will be for my good – and my family’s good too. That all of this work won’t have been in vain. that my sorrow and worry and praying and pleading will, in the end, result in a miracle. That Jesus is with me and He knows. and perhaps in the waiting my relationship with him grows, my testimony increases and the people who I am waiting for will become unbreakable because of the passage of time and what they are learning in it….and what I am learning in it.

I had a blessing last week and it was, well, it’s hard to describe. I wasn’t looking for advice in the blessing. I was looking for reassurance. And it came. But different. And honestly I can’t even in this moment remember any of the words but I remember the feeling. Keep moving forward. Everything is going to be ok. You are a beloved daughter of Heavenly parents and they see you. It was just the sort of thing I needed to keep on going.

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